4
06 Mar 13 at 11 am
tags: personal  life  sad  ugh  fuck it 

It took time to get here. It will take time to get better.
Ride it out. Focus on me. Be positive.
I’m trying so hard to do these things. 
But all I really want is to stop hurting this way.

 4
28 Nov 12 at 11 pm
tags: good  happy  life  smile 

Tonight was a really good night. Talked with a bunch of friends. Got a bunch of work and cleaning done. Hung out with the ferrets. Saw the boyfriend, even if it was only for a little bit. Did some cooking. Going to do some meditation and art when I’ve made progress with this last essay. Oh, and getting roadkill venison this weekend! Yes, yes.

 2
10 Nov 12 at 11 am
tags: personal  anxiety  tired  life  sad  bed  warm 

Okay, so I’ve been awake since you left this morning but haven’t left my bed where it’s warm and safe because to be quite honest today is just one of those days where everything is just too overwhelming and even the idea of anything at all makes me want to go back to sleep but I can’t sleep because I’m anxious and honestly how can I possibly do all the things I should do in the amount of time I have not just today but in my life and is it even worth it I don’t really think so.

 1
01 Nov 12 at 11 pm
tags: pfft  life  distance  love  sad  pffft 

Some times I kind of wonder if, and others it’s plain to see,
That I happen to need you more than you need me. 

Jenny Lewis, chamomile tea, a brand new sketchbook, ferret cuddles, and a series of cooking adventures. Tonight was pretty okay, even if it wasn’t horribly productive. (Whoops.)

I can’t believe I’m actually thinking about doing this.

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Back from the mountains. Working on processing the car wreck. Give me time, and I’ll be back. Until then, I’m somewhere in between making up school work and feeling safe in my own body again.

 5
04 Sep 12 at 5 pm
tags: personal  life  me 

It’s always, ‘You know I’d be happy if I had this in my life.”
Or even “I’d be happy if this thing wasn’t the case.”
This semester I’ve been dealt the ideal hand.
There’s no more room for excuses.
Everything in my life is good right now.
This leaves only one conclusion: 
I am the reason I am so sad.

But I’d also like to think that what this means is that while I have the power to make myself depressed and lonely, I also have the power to change this. That’s what I’m hoping. That this semester I can begin to learn what it means to be happy. No more excuses.

 4
22 Jul 12 at 3 pm
tags: personal  sad  life  love 

Resentment, like a festering tumor in my breast.
Rotting, growing, all-consuming.
Conceived in the space between loneliness and heartache.
Forged from the union of ignorance and neglect.
If only I knew I could survive it until the leaves changed.

 3
24 Jun 12 at 11 am
tags: fuck this  life  personal  work  love 

Choosing frustration and anger over sadness and despair.
I wonder how the rest of my life is going to play out and then I remember that, thank god, I’m a shape shifter of the highest order. Adaptation is the name of the game.

First party night on campus in a while. Forgot how much I love my college, and all the incredible people here. Everything is going to be okay.

Lately I’d been thinking about soaking my head in conditioner and ripping them all out. But yesterday I saw a woman with the most BEAUTIFUL set of natty dreads I had ever seen in my entire life. To be honest, it was one of the only times I’ve seen someone with natty dreads - most of the time you can tell they’ve been set in. Anyways, I can only hope mine look that wonderful some day. And it gave me the motivation to continue on my dreadlock journey.

Had to decide on a concentration today for my major, or rather design one for myself. So once I get it finalized, when I graduate my degree will be in Environmental Studies with a concentration in Experiential Environmental Education. I rather like the ring of that.
Still, I can’t deny that making a commitment to specialize is kinda of scary. Like, if this doesn’t work out, then what? Or maybe it’s scary because the notion of committing to something that will make me happy, committing to be happy, scares the crap out of me.

When it comes to art I’ve learned that my mistakes, slip ups, and available materials (or lack thereof) are a large part of where I take my inspiration. If I slip up or am missing something, compensating for it often results in far more interesting work. I don’t feel there to be anything wrong with making those initial marks in permanence; in fact, it’s kind of exciting.